Do you know the times?

Most Important News first: Rumor has it that Homestar Runner is going to be updated again, after a looong many-year hiatus. So, be sure to bookmark HomeStarRunner.com – head over there and catch up on old episodes of Strong Bad’s Emails. Poke around for hidden Easter Eggs, and keep an eye out for new episodes! I’m so excited to see old friends again. It feels like a Halloween Christmas gift from Mars!

I happened to look at the date on one of the kid’s shows I recorded for Arcturo to watch. It was 2001. It was about a year after I got him that I discovered his enjoyment of children’s shows. He’s 14 years old now, and so are these shows he watches every day. Except for the new Mr. Rogers episodes. Those are from, like, 1972. I don’t like to think about it. Makes me feel old. That’s why my posts are about a year or two apart. I like to pretend that we’ve got all the time in the world, and that internet words are made out of gold and gumdrops.

But this is a (relatively) family oriented and (somewhat) educationally focused site, so I’m compelled to explain to our younger readers that we really don’t have all the time in the world; we’re all going to die. But not before the hospital bills turn us into unwashed beggars. So, we’ve got that going for us.

But whenever i post, I try to get people into a happy, carefree mood to prepare them for the humor to come. So let’s just pretend that we’re all well-adjusted, handsome Silly Billy Millionaires that will never grow old and bray like mind-addled donkeys at YouTube videos of fainting goats. Life is a joyous experience when we include cognitive dissonance as a part of a healthy breakfast.

But you’re not here to listen to an old man pontificate existentially about mankind’s inherent mortality. You’re here to read about kid’s shows. So dammit, let’s do this thing…

Mr. Rogers Loves Breasts

I’m back. Been a while, yada yada.

Arcturo just got his episodes of Mr Rogers Neighborhood in the mail from some sleazy company he found on the internet. So now, every time I leave the house, I make sure I have my credit cards with me – not leaving them laying around the house where any bird can have access to them. Anyways, now Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood is like his favorite show. I remember watching the show as a child, but seeing it now, with adult eyes, it’s not quite the show I remember. I was too young to be creeped out by a mailman with the unfortunate name “Mr. McFeely” back then.

It’s actually quite good, even on an adult level. But I’ll get to that later. Did I ever tell you why I hate Dentists?

When I was a little tyke, in 2nd grade elementary school, I had a dentist that was an evil sadist prison matron monster. My visits with her always were scheduled before lunch time, and after giving me an unnecessary mercury-and-lead-laden tooth filling, she told me “If the filling hurts during lunch, just touch your fork to it.” If you’ve ever had a tooth filling, and touched metal to it, you’ll understand why I fell to the floor screaming thinking I had been struck in the head by a lightning bolt. I should have killed her, but as a 2nd grader, I didn’t have the means and resources at the time.

On one appointment with her, I was sitting in the waiting room; an innocent little boy in his shiny hair and shoes, crisply pressed school clothes, seriously considering various suicide methods to escape the horrors I was sure to experience very soon. I could break that lightbulb and, if I’m careful, successfully choke to death on the glass shards, that sorta thing. I hid my face behind an old dog-eared Highlights Magazine pretending to read the latest one-upmanships of Goofus and Gallant…

Teletubby Roommate Adventure

So, yeah. Finances are tough all over. Everybody’s got it bad, I’m sure many others are worse off than I am. At least I still have a roof over my head. While watching Teletubbies with Arcturo, I started to think about what it would be like if we get evicted and have to roommate with the Teletubbies. What follows is a fictitous account of how such a scenario might play out. Names have been changed (or misspelled) to protect my innocence.

ROOMIN’ WITH THE TUBBIES!

It all started this morning, when I awoke to find that all the furniture in my house had somehow made its way to the street curb. I walked outside to discuss this with the furniture when I saw an official looking paper taped haphazardly to my door. The paper explained that I was several thousand dollars in debt to the owners of the house and that I should probably consider taking up residence elsewhere while I try to figure out how I’m going to pay them. Since I have no friends (that I know of), I used the last remaining minutes on my cell phone to call the Teletubbies and see if they could help me out in my time of need.

I was surprised at how well the idea went over. “Stay with us! Stay with us! Stay with us!” said Po. “Yes, yes! Come here!” said Lala and Dipsy. Tinky Winky danced around shouting “Yes! Yes! Yes!” How could I refuse? So we packed up what stuff we could carry, and moved to Tubbyland.

It was all “oohs” and “aahs” as we arrived – lots of big hugs and dancing. I thought to myself “This is going to be great!” Nice rolling green hills with flowers and bunny rabbits everywhere. The weather is always nice. Everybody is so kind to each other. I might like it here. Arcturo took to it immediately. He can fly freely anywhere, play with the bunnies and flowers – it’s paradise for him! So while he went off exploring, I took our stuff inside the tubby hutch to settle in.

Who Watches the Watchman Watching the Shows?

I’d like to dedicate this post to the one show that I actually enjoy – Big Comfy Crotch …I mean Couch. This also seems to be Arcturo’s favorite. I can actually deal with this show. It doesn’t make me feel like I was raised in a crack den as a child, like Barney does. It doesn’t put me into an LSD induced catatonic stupor, like Teletubbies. And it doesn’t make me want to destroy the planet from Mars, like the Diddy-Doodle Works show does. It’s the one sane thing about our daily triple feature.

Major Deadhead one of the coolest characters of any kid’s show. Arcturo loves making fun of the Foley Family (lots of crazy sounds to parody), and laughing his ass off with the spastic Dust Bunnies. Granny Garbonzo adds a bit of Twin Peaks atmosphere, and of course Loonette and Molly are loveably cute.

Where am I? Who are you people?

It’s been a while since I’ve contributed anything here. Sorry, I figured the time was better spent doing the “Liar, Liar Pants On Fire” wiggle with Major Deadhead on Big Comfy Couch. Arcturo thinks that’s how a sane human acts. He’s naive to our ways, so I humor him. Honest, I don’t enjoy it at all. Really.

I won’t be able to give a day-to-day account for a while. We’ve had to disconnect our satellite TV due to some financial setbacks. But Arcturo’s learning his ABCs and counting to 12, so hopefully somebody will hire him soon – once he learns to type. He wants to get into publishing or advertising, like his Papa. He also wants to drive a school bus, but I’m trying not to encourage that. 

For a while, I figured we could watch the ONE VHS tape that I recorded for him, so he could see his shows on the weekends, when they’re not broadcast. Watching the same episodes every day drove me insane, of course. But, like a dog that loves to chase the same stick over and over again, Arcturo loved the repetition. He knew exactly when his favorite parts were coming up. For me, it was sheer torture. I actually felt my brain playing solitaire. But I like Arcturo more than my brains, so I toughed it out. I wasn’t using those brains anyways.

Teletubbies Finally Die?

Damn. It looks like they’ve finally ditched Teletubbies for a new show called “Shiera and Loli’s Dittydoodle Workshop”. I hope this show continues, it looks like fodder for some good snarkiness here. For one thing, they have a character called Icky Icky Cock.

Besides one of the main character’s abbreviated Lolita name (Loli) and a creepy old icky icky cock professor, the other main character is a fashion victim woman that does all the booty shakin’ on the show. Her name is Miss Molly, but she doesn’t look like a “Molly” to me. I’ll come up with a better name for her in time I’m sure. I hate people that encourage kids to stress themselves to the point of exhaustion because they think “it’s AWESOME!”

Alzheimer’s Kids

Arcturo likes today’s Teletubbies – it’s all about getting wet. Kids washing their hands, rain falling from clouds, etc. He likes seeing things get wet. Today’s color is SILVER. To avoid showing grey, they gave the silver color sparkles. Arcturo digs sparkles too. He makes me add sparkles to my photoshop projects. According to him, you can never have too many sparkles.

Halloween Crash Victims

In today’s episode of WTF is wrong with those idiot Teletubbies, we ponder why, with all the flowers around Tubbyland, they are suddenly transfixed on some bluebell plants. Maybe it’s because they plants are taking over, like kudzu. Suddenly the whole place is overrun with lovely bluebells. In honor of the event, Poe pens a song. As you may have guessed, it simply goes “Bluebell, bluebell, bluebell, bluebell…” This has somehow appeased the Bluebell gods, as all the bluebells are now disappearing one by one. The scourge is over. Teletubbies survive another ecological disaster!

The Emperor’s Gambit

Teletubbies messed with the controls. You know, the buttons, knobs, and switches in the middle of their tubby hutch – it’s apparently the thing that controls all of Tubbyland and keeps them from starving or whatever. It makes them dance and roll around in convulsions on the floor. 

Barney kids did a play depicting “The Emperor’s Gambit”. You’ve never heard of the Emperor’s Gambit because you’re not a mercenary. It’s a common term applied to when a government won’t fall, you present the population with a “bait-and-switch” that’s so insidious that they think their govt pulled a fast one on them, causing lots of executions, riots and lawlessness in your wake. It’s interesting to see this presented on Barney. Your kids will surely grow up to be fascists.

Eating Eyeballs

I sometimes wonder if people in Teletubby Land ever hunt Teletubbies for sport. Horrible, you say? Maybe not. I mean, sure, they have cute mannerisms, they seem to be self-aware and display feelings like love, and… well love. But look into their eyes and you’ll see the cold emotionless gaze of a snake. If a Teletubby could kill and eat you as carrion, you’d know. They’d eat you without any emotion or regrets. So face it – it’s us or them, and if you don’t start shooting we’ll all end up as compost for the flowers, people.