I Win, Shorty.

August 19, 2008

Teletubbies are slacking. They do nothing but dance all day. The live segment had kids doing laundry. Pretty boring show all around. Who’s paying these people? Even Arcturo doesn’t classify this as entertainment.

Barney has some 12 foot tall kid come to show the kids that he’s a better basketball player than any of them. He explains that someday they might be able to put the ball in the hoop, if they do nothing but practice all day long. They’ll never be as good as him though, ’cause he’s 12 feet tall, and that works out to be an advantage in that sport.

Read the rest of this entry »

Dead Machines

August 18, 2008

Sorry, I’ve been down for about a week. I had to have my computer serviced by a professional, if you know what I mean. Yeah, you know. It needed a complete strip-down, including a blow job behind the gas station with the high-pressure air hose. We slapped in a new face LCD panel, new brains and Logic Processor. It was a mess, and without the intervention of friends and loved ones (hi Apple), we’d have lost it completely from our lives.

It seems to be on the path of complete recovery and will be inadvertently downloading porno pop-up ads and copyright infringing face-book pages music just like before.

Read the rest of this entry »

Monday Nothing, Tuesday Nothing…

August 6, 2008

Wednesday and Thursday nothing
(I gotgotgotgot)
Friday for a change,
A little more nothing,
Saturday once more nothing...
-Tuli Kupfberg, The Fugs

Teletubbies was stupid – I won’t waste your time on it.

Barney had Missus Matuma on to show everybody about Swahili culture. They do an African dance where they assess the mating potential of each other. I’ve seen fraternities do this dance back in college. The Delta Pi Zima frat house used to do this dance before football games. Only, they had shirts on. I don’t see the educational value of this one. They’d further kid’s cultural knowledge of the world better by inviting the guys from the Aub-Zam-Zam Room to come by in leather chaps and show the kids how they dance.

Read the rest of this entry »

Backward Dancing

August 1, 2008

Teletubbies do a strange dance around the central command hub in their hutch. Nobody knows what compels them to dance – probably instinctual. An evolutionary trait developed over years of teletubby evolution. I don’t even know why I look up at the TV during these things. The Teletubbies are dancing again! We imagine they do it to get their audience up and dancing. But neither me nor Arcturo dance anything like that. Arcturo bobs, and I shuffle. Bye-bye Teletubbies. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. That’s Arcturo’s favorite part – saying bye-bye over and over again. Mine too.

Read the rest of this entry »

Death is the Great Equalizer

July 31, 2008

Teletubbies had Yoyo Ma on their show today. He made his fiddle sound like a cellphone. He’s GOOD! The rest of the show consisted of Teletubbies farting on solid color backgrounds. Twinky seductively shakes his butt to reiterate that he’s gay. Same old same old here.

Read the rest of this entry »

Language as a Medium for Suppressing Inspiration

July 29, 2008

Teletubbies watch a Mardi Gras parade, only it quickly becomes apparent this isn’t in Louisiana. It’s somewhere in England. I know this because none of the kids can express themselves creatively using their native language. Don’t get me wrong, I have absolutely NOTHING against being British, in fact I sometimes think their cockney accent is cute, in a John Lennon kinda way. But when your language doesn’t allow children to properly express themselves, your culture is dead. The most expressive thing any of the kids in this segment said was “Oy woof dwonna be a fwowah” (this kid is attempting to say “I was gonna be a flower” …or something like that – translated for you non-english speakers).

Read the rest of this entry »

Keep Your Hands Out Of Your Pockets!

July 28, 2008

Teletubbies do the jumpy dance. It’s easy and anybody can join along – just jump like us! I’m past the jumping age and interestingly enough, Arcturo is too gravity deprived to get much air-time on his jumps without using his wings.  And besides that, he’s against anything that makes him leave the security of being perched on my finger for even a split second. The Nu-nu hates it too. Not having knees, he’s pissed that he can’t join the fun, so he takes it out on them by swatting them in the heads with his chromium plated vacuum hose schnozzle. It doesn’t kill them, but it puts them down for a while, twitching spasmodically on the floor. Good Nu-nu.

Read the rest of this entry »

Major Deadhead Squirms

July 25, 2008

Teletubbies have a “dancing day”. We were under the impression that every day was dancing day in teletubbyland. Guess not. This day is more “dancy” than others. The live segment features a middle-eastern girl “dancing” a traditional dance. It’s not so much a dance as it’s a “make a vogue pose every time mom hits the bell” kind of pavlovian response. Arcturo and I both know what dancing is – it’s more along the lines of freeform “provocative squats” (as Frank Zappa put it), than acting like a puppet.

Read the rest of this entry »

Poe Gets Busted

July 25, 2008

Teletubbies have a mystery on their hands today – who splattered food all over the tubby-hutch? Each teletubby was questioned, except Poe, and every teletubby said the same thing; “I didn’t do it”, except Poe.

You guessed it – Poe went off on one of his tantrums and covered the place with food again. This is a recurring thing with Poe. We’re afraid if this keeps up the others will banish him from the compound and he’ll have to fend for himself, out in the cold, with the rabbits and flowers.

Read the rest of this entry »

Happy Birthday Horseplay

July 23, 2008

Teletubbies had Japanese kids painting kanji characters. This one spells “LUCK” – better spellcheck that, an “F” can look a lot like an “L” in kanji, and we all know what happened to Soupy Sales. Tubby land floods – ships loom on the horizon, steam past us, and leave. Interestingly enough I can’t find anything wrong with that segment. Or interesting for that matter.

Poe plunges his hand into a tub of Tubby Custard – which we’ve already established to be made primarily of pureed rabbit – under the encouragement of the narrator he “decorates” the entire tubby hutch. If you have kids, and you wake up one morning to find that your delicate snowflake has murdered a rabbit in your blender and plastered it all over the walls, you can blame this episode. Nu-Nu schlurps it all up. I imagine the tubby-hutch must smell really awful with all their farting and rotten rabbit meat splattered everywhere on a regular basis.

Read the rest of this entry »