Do you know the times?

HomestarXmasOnMarsMost Important News first: Rumor has it that Homestar Runner is going to be updated again, after a looong many-year hiatus. So, be sure to bookmark HomeStarRunner.com – head over there and catch up on old episodes of Strong Bad’s Emails. Poke around for hidden Easter Eggs, and keep an eye out for new episodes! I’m so excited to see old friends again. It feels like a Halloween Christmas gift from Mars!

I happened to look at the date on one of the kid’s shows I recorded for Arcturo to watch. It was 2001. It was about a year after I got him that I discovered his enjoyment of children’s shows. He’s 14 years old now, and so are these shows he watches every day. Except for the new Mr. Rogers episodes. Those are from, like, 1972. I don’t like to think about it. Makes me feel old. That’s why my posts are about a year or two apart. I like to pretend that we’ve got all the time in the world, and that internet words are made out of gold and gumdrops.

But this is a (relatively) family oriented and (somewhat) educationally focused site, so I’m compelled to explain to our younger readers that we really don’t have all the time in the world; we’re all going to die. But not before the hospital bills turn us into unwashed beggars. So, we’ve got that going for us.

But whenever i post, I try to get people into a happy, carefree mood to prepare them for the humor to come. So let’s just pretend that we’re all well-adjusted, handsome Silly Billy Millionaires that will never grow old and bray like mind-addled donkeys at YouTube videos of fainting goats. Life is a joyous experience when we include cognitive dissonance as a part of a healthy breakfast.

But you’re not here to listen to an old man pontificate existentially about mankind’s inherent mortality. You’re here to read about kid’s shows. So dammit, let’s do this thing…

I’ve seen this one episode of Teletubbies approximately five thousand, one hundred and ten times, if you figure that I’ve probably seen it at least once every day for fourteen years. All the Teletubbies are snuggled in their beds under their silver survival camping blankets. Nunu, the vacuum cleaner, comes in and snorts all four blankets up his schnozzle with one mighty SWOOOSH! It starts flashing lights and making an R2-D2 electronic tonal conniption as if to say “GET UP TELETUBBIES! QUICK! SOMETHING HORRIBLE HAS HAPPENED OUTSIDE!” It dances around like an incontinent Lassie dog trying to warn them that Jimmy fell down a well again.

So, the Teletubbies slowly get out of bed and stand around like “WTF? Where the hell did our aluminum foil survival blankets go?”

Nunu’s got the blankets still hanging out his snout. He’s looking kind of sick now, he can’t seem to blow the blankets back out, and they’re poisoning him so he doesn’t want to suck them into his vacuum bag. He’s in obvious distress when one of the Teletubbies, the big guy – Tinky-Winky, he sees their survival blankets hanging out of Nunu’s hose-nose and alerts the others. Nunu makes a run for it and they chased him around their hutch until he got dizzy and puked up the blankets. I’m not sure what happened next, I thought they were gonna tip the Nunu over on its back or whatever, but anyways, the next time I looked at the TV the blankets were all on their beds and they were all hugging the Nunu and stuff. It all worked out in the end I guess, but I’ll probably have to see it another couple thousand times before I pay enough attention to it to see what the Nunu did to have them spare his life.

On the other hand, the new Mr. Rogers episodes are pretty engaging. Arcturo dragged me in front of the TV insisting that I watch a bit of this one random episode with him. Mr Rogers is out in the swamp with these dudes that look like alligator wrestlers, and they’re fixing a strange vehicle that is basically a frame with a motor and a huge array of car batteries. Driver and passengers sit way at the top of a framework about 30 feet in the air. It’s some kind of super-tall, rusty, skeletal swamp buggy type of vehicle. I think they were gonna get Mr. Rogers to drive the freakin’ thing. Arcturo got distracted and dragged me somewhere else as this was happening, so I didn’t get to see if anybody got killed or anything. I don’t think Mr. Rogers knows how to drive because the guy had to show him where the clutch was. I wouldn’t get on that thing. I’d rather go find Lady Aberlain and get all Mr. McFeely “Speedy Delivery!” with her, if you know what I mean.

It kind of surprised me that Mr. Rogers looked a bit clueless when he sat in the drivers’ seat. But hey, some people just never drive a car. A lot of people don’t know this but Mr. Rogers was actually a war hero. I don’t know where I read this, but apparently he was a sniper in Korea and he headshot about seventy three enemy soldiers, and when they discovered his position, he leaped over the hill and slaughtered all the rest with a Bowie knife, freeing a bunch of POWs and throwing grenades out of helicopters and stuff.

When he got back to the United States, he was visiting the London Zoo and a big King-Kong sized gorilla broke out of its cage and was terrorizing the visitors or whatever. He was able to communicate with the gorilla using a series of hand signals and grunts and not looking directly into the gorillas eyes. With that size gorilla, if you look directly into their eyes, apparently, it sends them into a murderous rage. I think they also shake their head up and down for no and side to side for yes, so you’ve gotta be careful about that too.

The gorilla communicated back to Mr. Rogers saying “Where would gorilla be without man?” They actually hugged, and the gorilla went back to his cage, smiling. It wasn’t anything like the time Edison electrocuted that elephant.

He fought congress to champion educational television programming. From what I understand, it was one of those local public bare-knuckle free-for-all championships that people bet on in Washington, D.C. One of the senators called him a pussy, and he gave him a hard jab in the throat putting him out immediately before the match even began. Everybody ganged up on him, and I’m not sure what happened (I’m not a pugilistic sport enthusiast), but at one point he grabbed senator Thurmon Stump in a headlock and choked him out. That was the end of it. They didn’t realize who they were messing with.

He was a devoutly religious person who probably masturbated frequently. About as much as anybody else, you could guess. Actually a lot less than most people on the internet these days, that’s for sure. I’m not a big fan of it myself, but I often try to do my part for the more under-appreciated varieties of pornographic material. What Mr Rogers would have masturbated to; whether it be clean, wholesome stuff like Playboy, or Insane Clown Posse Juggalo Girls on crack, it’s a personal matter that shouldn’t really concern us. I’m pretty sure he kept it to himself, for the most part, and this would have contributed to the fact that he never ended up like Pee-Wee Herman.

There’s a popular saying in Hollywood, “Don’t sit on the goddamn bench until the paint dries.” and I think that perfectly applies to this blog post. I’m glad we had this discussion. Now, run along and play.

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