Oy mate! Englitch ‘ere, roit?

Teletubbies today had a British kid trying to pronounce englitch words. This confirms my suspicion that the British can’t speak english. I mean, they INVENTED the freakin’ language – why on earth would they so horribly mispronounce words? Try this test – say the word “MOTHER”.

If you said “MUVVER” you’re British and you have no business teaching kids how to read. This poor British kid was so poorly taught his native language that he doesn’t have the capacity to express himself. He’s out in the garden chasing down chameleons. He calls them “Meeleeons” and when he tries to express something in words, you can see the struggle inside his head to find the proper word for the situation. He finally manages to mumble “Oy wike deesh ‘ere meeleeons!”

Nu-Nu forms a conga line. This is the kind of thing that pleases the pinwheel gods.

On Barney, all the kids show off the cool things they can do. One can spin around. Another can hop. This is a sign that they have the functionality of a retarded toddler. B.J. stomps them all by throwing a looping, swooping, impossible pitch with a baseball that meanders through its path as if guided by an invisible hand. The kids are used to satanic miracles like this and are hardly impressed. They’ve seen their parents slaughter babies in pentagrams to summon demonic spirits. A ghost ball is nothing to them.

Jackson – the token black kid – wants to show off what HE can do! Of course he does some jerky Christian Coalition bastardization of what Rush Limbaugh might think a tap-dance looks like. Remember that Seinfeld episode where Elaine tried to dance. She did a better job than Jackson.

This is what bugs me about Barney. They act like they are “tolerant” of people of other colors. They don’t want people of other colored skin to be “equal”, they simply “tolerate” their presence. Constant stereotyping is subtle but undeniable on Barney. You’ll see the white kids hugging each other, but you won’t see them hugging the black kids, no siree. There are people in Texas watching! They’re still a little confused by gay cowboys riding each other bareback and eating pudding down there.

On Big Comfy Couch, Loonette picks a snot and wipes it on her pants. That was cool.

But GREED rears it’s ugly head when Loonette digs out her piggy bank and starts drooling over all the money she has. Molly tries to steal piggy bank, and lies about it, saying she thought it was donuts. Tell it to the judge, lady.

Arcturo doesn’t understand monetary value yet. To him, coins are for dropping on the floor. The denominations are nothing more to him than different sounds they make when they hit the tile.

Loonette counts the coins to make sure Molly isn’t ripping her off. She finds her “Lucky Loonie” coin, her most prized posession in this greed-induced reverie. Molly throws it on the floor in jealousy – Arcturo thinks that is the only logical thing to do with a coin, so he’s cool with that.

The spinning coin slams into the face of a dust bunny almost killing him. Like in the movie, ” The Gods Must Be Crazy” they send the offending gift back to from where it came. Basically, out from under the couch.

Loonette needs to put some distance between her coins and Molly, since Molly is now deemed to be a thief. She heads to Granny’s house and shows the coin to Major Deadhead. Deadhead does a magic disappearing coin trick on it, which sends Loonette into a victimized outrage. Deadhead’s a thief! She was just about to slug him across the skull with a baton her Auntie Macassar sent her. Deadhead saves his life by conjuring the coin back from the dark abyss. Loonette is happy and all is well with the world.

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