Militant Fitness Kids Ate My Sugar!

Before Arcturo and I review today’s Teletubbies, Barney, and Big Comfy Couch, we want to say a few words about why we both really hate this guy from the 1-minute Kid’s Fitness breaks that are now broadcast on our local PBS station between kid’s shows.

This sexually ambiguous Carrot Top wanna-be starts his segment with blue-screen images of football player’s groin guards bulging behind him. Then he does squats. Sometimes he does squats with animals that have strange dangly-bits hanging between their legs. He yells a lot.

If you have aspirations of having your son (or bird) grow up to be a Richard Simmons style football fan with homicidal fears of his own latent homosexuality, this is the show for you. It makes Arcturo extremely uncomfortable having this guy in our living room. Me too.

Arcturo needs to learn his alphabet so that he can read well enough when he grows up, and I don’t want him associating ball sweat flavored tea-bags with reciting his ABCs.

This “sporty” type of production uses catch-phrases like “recruiting children to eliminate childhood obesity…”. People with degenerate agendas like to “recruit” kids. Get them marching in cadence and used to taking orders while they’re young and impressionable.  Drill them with boot camp exercises. Throw in a sexually ambiguous adult-child to confuse them right down to their pants before they even know what’s happening down there. Add a few suggestively positioned sports heroes (usually it’s the ones with unfortunate names like Pujoles, Dick Butkiss, etc.) It makes me wonder how these things are considered acceptable to their demographic audience.

I mean, if it makes a degenerate like me uncomfortable, I can’t imagine what “normal” people think about it. But then I take a walk outside, talk to a few people, read a few newspapers, and it all makes sense. This is why I lock my doors. You all scare me. Comments are enabled on this site purely for entertainment purposes, so don’t expect me to take any of you seriously.

Okay on to our reviews…

Teletubbies was about Yellow. Arcturo likes yellow. Bright magenta or fluorescent orange are not good colors for him. Blue is okay. He’s got preferences – I’m an artist, so I can’t show any favoritism to any specific colors. They’re all good in my book.

Barney was typical in a twisted “American Morality” kind of way. They had four kids as usual. Three white kids and a token black kid. You could tell the black kid is not like the other three kids because they all have red sweatshirts on and the black guy wears a blue one. Since children (and birds) aren’t born with a sense of racial prejudice, they want to make it apparent that this kid is different from the others. Arcturo doesn’t care, he thinks all kids are neat. He wants one as a pet.

Barney started out with the kids playing Doctor. Should I continue?

Barney is interested in hearing what the doctor does to them. The kids are probably used to hearing stuff like this from their “Uncle Jimmie”, so they don’t indulge his fantasies. They tell him the doctor weighs and measures them. Barney conjures up a scale to weigh them. They all pretty much weigh the same because there’s no numbers on the scale. Barney stands on it and it blows it’s top. To make him feel better the kids lie and tell him he probably weighs just enough for a dinosaur. For a man in a fabric costume, not so much.

Big Comfy Couch. I didn’t take notes. Arcturo saw the neighbor’s dog outside, so he dragged me to the window for the duration screaming and barking. 

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