Dead Machines

Sorry, I’ve been down for about a week. I had to have my computer serviced by a professional, if you know what I mean. Yeah, you know. It needed a complete strip-down, including a blow job behind the gas station with the high-pressure air hose. We slapped in a new face LCD panel, new brains and Logic Processor. It was a mess, and without the intervention of friends and loved ones (hi Apple), we’d have lost it completely from our lives.

It seems to be on the path of complete recovery and will be inadvertently downloading porno pop-up ads and copyright infringing face-book pages music just like before.

Today on Teletubbies, we learn about “On Top and Underneath”. I wouldn’t go there. On top and underneath are difficult concepts for children (and birds) to grasp – especially when you keep showing the same thing (stuff on top of other things) and calling it two different things. Seems Tinky-winky likes to be underneath. Again, not going there. The TV Guide said there’d be kids filling buckets with water. There were no kids filling buckets. We wanted to see buckets of water, dammit.

On Barney, the big purple monster turns all the kids into gay cowboys. A real adult gay cowboy cooks up a batch of chili in a blue bucket for everybody to ingest. Takes some time – the kids do a long montage in the meantime. I have a feeling it’s going to end up being “imaginary” chili. The kids are gonna kill the guy for wasting their time.

Turns out it really was chili. One kid is allergic to beans and he vomits uncontrollably, another is allergic to tomato sauce, her tongue swelled up and her face turned purple and fell off. Well, that’s what would have happened if this were the real world. I’m sure Barney had them all sign medical waivers before tasting the stew.

In between Barney and Big Comfy Couch there’s a “Learn Spanish” interlude with Fuego. I have a feeling Fuego means something derogatory in Spanish, but I’ll look it up later. In this one-minute Spanish lesson, today’s word is “PANDA”, which in espaniol is pronounced “PANDA”. Go figure. One person reads it in english – I counted maybe 200 words. Next, Fuego the dog translates the story into spanish using only 25 words. This was a frivolous exercise in stupidity. When the end credits roll, we see that it was made in Houston Texas by the Haliburton corp. This is kind of like Dick Cheney coming on TV and saying “Okay kids, you wanna learn spanish – ADIOS, that’s your name in spanish now get the f*ck outta here.”

On Big Comfy Couch we learn not to hit people. Lots of violence in this episode so it should play well to the kids. I wonder sometimes if the people that make these shows see the dichotomy of principals presented to their demographic audience. But then, it’s like the Buddhist Monk meditating on Nirvana and wondering if his friends think his robe looks cool on him or not. Once you notice that you’re levitating, you drop like a cartoon coyote.

I think my train of thought ran off the track and injured some bystanders there – I have no idea what the hell I’m talking about at this point. Blogging can be intense at times. Let me get back on topic…

Granny Garbonzo puts on a Punch ‘n Judy puppet show, but her puppets are called Paunch and Moody, because the male puppet is a fat woman beater and the female puppet is a bitch. He beats his wife and pets until he hurts his fists and realizes that he shouldn’t do it because it hurts them also. I’m sure he’ll find other ways of torturing them without the infliction of physical pain from now on. 

Glad to be back doing this. I hope someone’s reading this, and if you are… don’t do drugs. Send them to me – I’ll know exactly what to do with them.

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