Backward Dancing

Teletubbies do a strange dance around the central command hub in their hutch. Nobody knows what compels them to dance – probably instinctual. An evolutionary trait developed over years of teletubby evolution. I don’t even know why I look up at the TV during these things. The Teletubbies are dancing again! We imagine they do it to get their audience up and dancing. But neither me nor Arcturo dance anything like that. Arcturo bobs, and I shuffle. Bye-bye Teletubbies. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. That’s Arcturo’s favorite part – saying bye-bye over and over again. Mine too.

Barney finds a black kid that can’t dance. He shucks the kid’s brown penny-loafers and magically conjures up a pair of Nikes with glitter and rhinestone designs. “Anybody can dance in shoes like these! Even you!” declares Barney! He’s wrong. He tells the kid that he did fine, but actually the kid shuffled around like a hobbled mule. Kinda like how I dance.

The retarded dinosaur gang does a play. Still no kids featured – the puppets are now the only focus of the show. The producers and choreographers are probably disappointed in the lack of acting talent among 9-year olds. These stupid kids couldn’t act their way out of a wet Martin Scorsese film.

On Big Comfy Couch it’s backwards day today. Arcturo is now Orutcra and my name is Lairomem RaBunem. Coolot-in-a-Camel-Toe invents a back scratching map, which leads to a circle-scratch of ecstasy. Orutcra got pissed off because he’s here to learn how to count to 12 and they did the clock stretch backwards – this is no help at all for his continuing education. Just serves to confuse him and he knows it. Loonette reads a bastardized version of the Grasshopper and the Ant, you know the story – Ants work their ass off all summer while Grasshopper plays, come winter the Ants are fat and sassy while the Grasshopper dies a horrible death involving hypothermia and starvation. In her version the Grasshopper connives his way into the Ants’ nice warm house and food because he can play a hot fiddle. I explain to Orutcra that, once the food runs out, Grasshopper will probably slaughter the Ants in cold-blood, eat their entrails, and die horribly as the winter gets colder and colder and fuel supplies run short. He’s satisfied with that bedtime story.

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