Teletubbies had Yoyo Ma on their show today. He made his fiddle sound like a cellphone. He’s GOOD! The rest of the show consisted of Teletubbies farting on solid color backgrounds. Twinky seductively shakes his butt to reiterate that he’s gay. Same old same old here.
Barney has relegated the kids to background props. No more taking orders from the little runts I guess. Griff is playing keyboards ’cause he’s cool. He calls Baby Bop “Boppity Bop” ’cause he’s cool. Baby Bop realizes that she’s just too stupid to be able to do all the things everybody else can do. This is because she’s a girl. The boy puppets outperform her at every turn until she succumbs to her place in society. I’ll bet she can make a sammich when she grows up.
The Gang sings “If everybody was the same I wouldn’t be me” – translates to “If you could do everything everyone else can do, they wouldn’t be able to charge you money for it, so shut up and pay, biatchez.” Now they wheel out a kid in a wheelchair and sing about how special he is. They even allow him to mouth a solo! How generous of them! They’re all special.
That goddamn commercial with the red-headed, sweaty-balls “Kids Fitness” guy shakes his nuts at the camera again, “Let’s jump up and down!” …Why would we jump up and down? He explains why in two words – “It’s AWESOME!” Okay, you do your awesome jumping, I’ll go have an awesome chocolate milkshake, soon as you get your tiny marbles out of my face, hump boy.
Loonette cleans out the couch. But first a “Clock Stretch” – Arcturo loves the clock stretch, because I point at the nimbers on the clock and help him count to 12. He’s very interested in learning to count to twelve and pays strict attention to how each number looks and its name. He’ll be doing math soon enough. He can already count teletubbies.
The couch floats when there’s nothing in it – everything goes back in. Oh no, I knew that wasn’t the whole show. This is the one where Loonette finds a lovely little caterpillar and it dies. This sends Loonette into a heavy depression where they all sing the saddest song in Clown Town. It bums Arcturo and me totally out. I just finished a product in Second Life that makes tears. When I work on something I get totally submersed in it, so all day I’ve felt like I’ve been crying my eyes out. This song made me suicidal. There’s not enough drugs in the house to kill myself with, so I’ll just do them all and have a good time instead.
Ms. Camel-Toe-in-Coolots (Auntie Macassar) sends Loonette a bug cage to imprison her caterpillar. They track him down and find him dead. Granny has to explain death and mortality to her. She sings her everything dies, even you eventually, song. Lets Loonette know that some day everybody will die and leave her all alone in a cold hard world. “Once it was full of life now it’s empty” boo-hoo. Everybody is bummed out at this point. Way to go. Now look, you’ve made Major Deadhead cry.
Major Deadhead declines into severe waves of depression and Loonette leaves him in the care of Granny while he ponders death and mortality. If you thought it would end well and they’d find that the caterpillar turned into a beautiful butterfly, you’re wrong. He’s dead and there’s nothing anybody can do about it. Face it kids. This episode encourages kids to go out and discover death by themselves. I don’t want to read tomorrow’s newspaper.