Teach Your Children Hell

On Teletubbies today, Poe rode too fast on his “cooter” – even the flowers warned him; “Too fast Poe!” but he doesn’t heed them. Plows into a tree killing him instantly. Well, not exactly “instantly” – he convulsed on the ground a few minutes before finally succumbing. He’s back in the next scene, leading us to believe that the pinwheel spawns a new teletubby any time one of them dies. This answers a lot of questions, since we’ve always wondered how four retarded bear-lizards can possibly survive on an unforgiving planet.

On Barney, the “gang” rocks out with their rock-n-roll version of “Wheels on the Bus go Round and Round”. Arcturo and I both appreciate this – it makes a lot more sense to teach kids to be rock-n-rollers, since statistically they have a better chance in life of becoming a famous musician than a grabass sport celebrity.

Baby Bop says B is her favorite letter. I don’t have a favorite letter. Arcturo likes X because it’s hard for him to pronounce. He’s constantly practicing it. Here’s the actual conversation between Baby Bop (BB) and B.J. (BJ)…

BB: B is my favorite letter – it stands for “Barney” and “Blow”…

BJ: That’s a good job Baby Bop!

BB: …and “Bubbles”…

Hope the perverts in the audience didn’t miss that little snippet.

In between shows, there’s a Public Service Message (read: commercial) teaching kids how to make a “chip shot” in golf – who the hell imagines toddlers playing golf? Do these sport fanatics understand the “preschool demographic”? Kids at Teletubby level are too busy learning how to shit in a diaper. Chip shots won’t be something they’ll have to worry about for several years. The commercial ends with the teenage sport-boi taking a bite out of a potato chip and asking “Where’s the dip?” We’re looking at him, apparently.

Big Comfy Couch – Teaching kids to hide. A trait that may come in handy as they grow and avoid police. Mutant cabbage makes Granny Garbonzo cry. Really freaks her out – why the cabbage grew so big so fast – like she’s seen a ghost. “Camel-Toe-in-Coolots” (Auntie Macassar) sends Loonette a Divining Rod. The magical properties of the divining rod will solve the mystery of the giant cabbage. Turns out Snicklefritz the cat was spitting his medication pills into the garden. Two million insane asylum inmates can’t all be wrong.

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