On the Nocturnal Foraging Habits of Teletubbies

After a while, it’s all a blur. I’ll try to do this by memory but I’m not sure if it’s been one day or two between the last episodes I wrote about, so I might be combining two shows in one.

Let me start with Barney. Today, the kids sang that insane song “If all the raindrops were bubble gum and lamb chops” or whatever. None of the kids can get the lyrics right, and you can see them doing a half-enthusiastic attempt at lip syncing the words. I’ve heard this song a million times, I even have closed-captioning text on the screen and I can’t get the lyrics right to sing along to the damn song.

The part in the song where you stick your tongue out is fun for Arcturo, he’s got that part down.

What happens next is, they make this girl come out with a pastel and watercolor illustration of a beach, and she claims SHE painted it. We both called BS on that – Arcturo hates liars, and even he could tell right off that there was no way this girl painted that. He got pissed, because he has aspirations to be an artist when he grows up, but he doesn’t have the skills to manipulate the tools yet to do any paintings or anything. So when some punk kid shows him a painting that the show’s producers probably paid some professional graphic artist to do and says she did it, he takes offense. 

But then he thought he saw a puppy dog on the show. He likes puppies. “Arf arf!” I don’t know if there really was a puppy dog there or not – he hallucinates a lot.

Teletubbies was on first of course, but I had to get Barney out of the way. The sooner I forget Barney, the better.

Teletubbies was a good one. Arcturo likes to watch the Teletubbies eat, because they have to go through all the work of making the food they eat. They have to push buttons, and things like that. The problem is, Teletubbies are retarded, of course, and they always screw things up. Arcturo tries desperately to help them and gets agitated when they don’t listen to him. I think he gets into it because he doesn’t want the Teletubbies to starve to death. It’s a major concern for birds.

Today they did tubby custard. Tinky-Winkie acted like a retard and kept threatening to spill his food on the floor. Arcturo digs the “drop it on the floor” thing, he likes dropping things and watching them hit the ground. “Drop it on the ground” he says.

Well, Tinky-winkey isn’t retarded enough to accidently dump it on the floor – no, he’s got to dance around and wave it in the air while the other teletubbies cry “OH NO TINKY WINKY!” Arcturo and I were shouting for the Nu-nu to crack him in the knees and get it over with already.

I don’t remember what happened, I think they duct-taped him to the tubby-toatser or something. Arcturo told me the Nu-nu cleaned up so I assume they finally got him to drop it.

I’ve had long conversations with Arcturo about the food conditions in Tubbyland. He’s too smart to believe that some magical fairy in a pinwheel makes enough food to sustain four fat teletubbies. As far as we can tell the stuff they eat is probably made from flowers and rabbits. At the end of every show, you’ll notice that each teletubby crawls into a separate rabbit hole. We figure they hunt rabbits in the underground tunnels at night and skin them out behind the tubby hut.

Big Comfy Couch. Arcturo loved the Foleys in this episode. Lots of sight gags with the Foleys and no dialogue, but Arcturo likes the sounds they make. He tries to imitate the sounds and laughs his ass off.

Today’s episode was tragic. Loonette got so involved in tearing through packaging material that her doll, Molley got lost. This deeply disturbed Arcturo – keeping the flock together is one of his main priorities. Major Deadhead claimed “Don’t worry, we’ll find her.” but Arcturo shot back a desperate,  emotional “AWWWW!?!?!” as if to say “But what if you don’t!?!”

He understands how TV works, so it was easy for me to explain that they’d find her long before the show was over. He laughed about it and said “Yeah, I know.”

Arcturo has a ritual that he has to do every night before his bedtime. At the end of every Big Comfy Couch episode, when Loonette says “Who made this big mess?!?!” – that’s his cue that bedtime is near. He comes over, gets on my shoulder and says “Goodnight Poppa”, then he’s got to ring his bell, then he’s got to go outside the door and say “Goodnight, Goodnight” several times towards all the neighbors’ houses (part of his flock), and right before I put him in his cage, he’s gotta run up my arm saying “no wait, wait” and give me hugs, going “I love my poppa” and stuff like that – too freakin’ cute. Same ritual every night. This level of cuteness can’t be good for a guy. It’s going to affect my mental health and probably give me full blown diabeetus. But what can you do?

So tonight, as I was about to put him in his cage, he runs back up my arm again, saying “no wait poppa, wait”. I figure he’s stalling for more hugs. He runs up my arm, grabs my nose “HONK!”, and runs back down into his cage laughing “HAHAHA FUN!” Even when he’s being a punk he’s too cute.

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